so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
