Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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