He disabled his match.com account in front of me
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize