When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
