apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
