God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize