Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
