I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
