I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
