If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
