Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Couch. On fire.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize