I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
