his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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