I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
