if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize