I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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