The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
