I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
