and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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