i think my tv is drunk
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
