I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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