And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
