Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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