loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
