you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
