Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
