I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
