Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You were trust falling into bushes
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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