Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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