I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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