I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
