Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just forgot I was standing up.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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