No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
