Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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