I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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