Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Girls should come with a carfax report
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
