Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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