Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
