the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
