I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
