My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
