Your mouth is God's brothel.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
