Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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