3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
