I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
In other news, I just burned my penis
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
