I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
