It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
