We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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