if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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