You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
