I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
my phone needs a breathalizer
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
