My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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