hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
there's paper in my vomit.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize