I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
