My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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