You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
