I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize