apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
