So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
