I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
