the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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