Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
