i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
its not stalking. its research.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Randomize
