Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
